About Me #2

It is certainly true that this installment will be much more interesting that the last one. Juicier as it were. Because when we moved to Thief River Falls, Minnesota from Kansas, it was like moving to another world. In Savonburg, Kansas, the school I went to was very small. I had eight people in my class, and six in the class above me. We were in the same room together. In these classes, I was the fastest, smartest, and most popular kid there. Not so in my new home. That was a shock that would take many many years to overcome. As with all children, we form a world in our minds, and think everything works that way. Well, the things that were COOL where I was, were not COOL here. So in my trying to fit in by showing those talents that I thought were cool, only made me seem strange. Also by moving to a larger town, there was more money around. Greater highs for the those that have, and a greater seperation from the have nots. In Kansas, I wore what everyone else wore, cheap clothing, because that was all the farmers in the area could afford. Here, there were brand names, styles, fads, etc... etc.. Well, my family had no money, so I wasn't allowed to have any of those things. So I went from being the most popular person, and most talented around. To being the weird kid that wore the odd clothes.

That made being in this new place very hard for me. The popular kids already had their friends. So when trying to make friends, or play with someone my own age, I had to hang out with the people that had no friends already, basically the losers. That made me even more unpopular. It was a very hard time for me, and this created a basis for a very long journey for acceptance that caught me up and had a profound effect on my life.

For two and a half years, I was very unhappy. I had no good friends, and was very lonely. Then I met Gene Lepala. He was interested in all of the things I was interested in, and he had his best friend move away about the same time we met. We became great friends, and saw each other and talked to each other everyday. We had seperate interests as well, but were always together when we could be. We were at each others houses all the time. For the next four years my life was pretty good.

During that time, I had started to play hockey, football, and golf. Through my above average talents and some personality, I had once again became friends with the popular crowd, called "jocks." But retained many of the friends that I had made when I was not so popular in the crowd called "ticks." Plus, I enjoyed academics and was in with that crowd too. I knew everyone. Also, I became more and more involved with church. Becoming almost fanatical in my belief structure, believing everything that was told to me. Until in my senior year, everything changed.

We were poor, that I have explained before, so to dress like everyone else and not get made fun of, I had gotten any job that I could to help pay for my school clothes, the right shoes, attractive jackets and hockey equipment. I held two to three jobs all through high school. In the ever increasing need to keep up, when those around me started getting their jobs, I had to get a better paying job so that I could keep up. I started working for Domino's Pizza. This was a critical point for me. Also, I was very shy, but finally I started dating, and it was the combination of women and work that led me to a number of interesting things.

At church, our youth group was very strong and tight knit, and we started getting into the "new christian rock." Keith Green, Steve Camp, Petra, Rez Band, The Messiah Prophet band, and Stryper. Some pretty tame, others VERY heavey metal. The backlash at church came from those that thought all rock music was bad. This is where my break from the authorities of the church came from. I read my bible one chapter a night before going to bed, for years. I knew it, very well. So when scriptures about rock and roll and its evils were spouted, I spouted back the about dancing for God, the evils of the accepted country music so many in church listened to, so on and so forth. Then I ask the real question, "Have any of you listened to the music you are putting down?" the answer was. "That they would not defile themselves in that way." Then the event that caused me to question happened. I quoted Jude 10-11. About those speaking evil of things that they know not. That caused QUITE a stir. In Jude, he was talking about devil worshippers, not what good God fearing people want to be referred to. My father, the pastor, said I had to write an apology. I said that I beieved what I quoted, and was in no way sorry. Then it happened, my father, the man I still respect above all other followers of God said, "It doesn't matter whether you believe it or not, it is necessary for the peace of the congregation and my standing within it." BOOM!! Right is not necessary in church, just the unity of the organization. That lesson above all others that he taught me has stuck with me the most.

Also at this time, I was working at Domino's Pizza, and with a heavey partying crowd. At the Christmas party, there was drinking, and it was my first time getting drunk. I was 18, and it was a LOT of fun. Just another thing the church was wrong about. So, I started partying. It was hard at first, but I started to find a party a weekend. Then two or three. Then everyone would come to me to ask me to promote their party. I went to them ALL. I was a lot of fun, and everyone welcomed me to their parties. I would start out at 7-8PM with the Jocks, their curfews were around 10-11PM. Then I would party with the Ticks, Their curfews around 12-2AM. Then I would party with the Domino's crowd until 5-6AM. I would tell my parents that I was closing at Domino's, leave the garage door up so as not to disturb them opening it when I came home. Domino's closed at 2AM, I normally got home around 3AM. By the end of school, I was directing the different groups of people to the appropriate party for them, when they came and ask where the parties were. I also, ignored the people in my church group, to the point of not even returning a "Hi" said in the hallway. It did not fit with my new image. What a dick I was.

Also at the same time, I said I started dating. I don't know if that would really be the word. Becoming a slut is a better descirption. When I was younger, I was pudgy, always on the edge of the huskey section. So I had a poor self image, and did not think that I was attractive. Being a golfer, and golfing up to 300 rounds a summer at our small 9 hole course, I got a jof there between my Junior and senior year in school. I started out the summer, 5'4" 170 lbs, chubby. By the end of the summer, working 70 to 80 hours a week, hitting a growth spurt, I was a very tan, 5'10" 160 lbs. I had gotten a great new body, but still had the same self image. So when I started partying, I did not care who I hung out with, a lot of girls came after me, and got me. The night I lost my virginity, I was 18, and a 35 year old woman that I worked with, basically took in a bedroom, and we started going at it. Later that evening, I had sex with another woman as well, 23 years old. Then her sister, and anyone else who would grab me and take me to a bedroom. They knew I was easy, popular, and would add status to them to get me. I guess it was the worst when on prom night, I actually worked at Domino's, got to the prom parties about 11PM, drove a bunch of STINKING drunk people home, because I was sober. Then in one of the hotel rooms at 6AM, a bunch of them came into the room where I was sleeping on the floor with the girl I was with that night, they tried to grab the blakets off of us. Yes we were still naked. I let her take the blanket and keep her modesty. I didn't care, I got up in front of those thirty or so people, with used condom still on, looked at the clock and said, "Oh shit, Dad's up." Yeah I got busted by my dad, got rumors flying all around about my parading around in the hotel room, and I loved it all.

I went into high school a shy, chubby, scholarly, athlete, and left a hard partying, sex machine that treated women horribly. I was totally consumed with myself, and getting everything that I could for me. I never stopped to think of anyone else. This is not even the worst it got. Through it all, my best friend was beside me.

About Me #1

So many of us out here in the blogosphere hook up, and talk without really knowing one another. Our talks are based on a subject, and rarely go off of that track. So, for the friends that I have collected here, I would like to give an idea of where I come from, and my spiritual journey. Starting at the beginning. If this seems to be a valuable idea, please comment to let me know. If it will not help our relationship, please tell me as well. This will probably take a number of posts and a lot of time. I don't mind honesty.

I was born to a pastor and his wife in Lawrence, Kansas, with two sisters already in place. We lived in a town called DeSoto, just outside of Kansas City, Kansas. While we lived in DeSoto, I have very few memories. We moved when I was four, so the memories I have are distant and not very powerful.

We moved to a small town called Savonburg in Kansas. It is in the south east corner of the state, it had a population of one hundred when we moved there. When we left, there were only 60 people. This is where my memories start in earnest. My first birthday there, my fourth, I received a Tonka truck for my birthday. My dad made me a 12' x 12' sand box to play with it in. That was the coolest.

When I was about 6, I went to my first baptism. WOW, was that awesome. People got to get into the water with all of their clothes on. I wanted to do that too. So, going to church as I did, knew that you had to accept christ to be baptised. So I told my Dad that I wanted to accept Christ in to my heart. So at the age of 6 or 7, knelt down with my father, and said the sinners prayer. It was in the nursery room, in the back of the church where all of the toys were. Remember it still to this day.

Trying to be a good boy, and a good christian, I really did get into church pretty well. I really tried to do what is right. Then, came the pentecostal era to the church. For the first time around the age of 9, I really felt the Spirit of the Lord around and upon me. It was a wonderful feeling. I found that by being with the adults around me, singing in the praise sessions and the prayer meetings that I often felt that again. I even tried speaking in tongues. Yes, at 10 years old. Lets you know how impressionable young minds are. Thinking back on it now, it was silliness, but it was serious to me. There are not many details of this time in my life. Just not a lot really happening in the small town that really had an impact on me. Little did I know how much things would change. We moved again.

Staying Out Of The Way

A few weeks ago, I was just talking with someone about things. I had no agenda, I was just there because I felt like being there. The person I was talking to, was reminiscing, and I gave them my perspective on those things. I was not trying to convince, manipulate, or do anything. Just talking with a friend. So imagine my surprise when this person made a conscious commitment to God. When giving the reasoning, they were what I had said, almost word for word. At the time I had forgotten the conversation. It took a while to remember the whole conversation, but when I did, I just smiled. God did something, and I had no idea that he had used me. I had no clue that this other person was in the middle of making a decision, had no clue of the spiritual turmoil. But this person is very special to me, I pray for him everyday. I am very grateful that I did not try to persuade this person, I would have only screwed it up.

Too often times, we in our conceit, think that we can doo things better than God. What we then do, is step outside of who he made us, and try to be something we think will be pleasing to God. Well, God is pleased with the person he made, you don't have to be anyone else. So when we step into any situation trying to help, it doesn't work. I like to tell my daughter, "unwanted help, is called nuisance." That is what we do to God when we try to "help God" do his thing. So when God is calling, do what you feel him asking you to do, no more.

4 Things/#4 We Are All God's Children

Many people love to quote that, "The path is straight and narrow." Many believe that there is only one path. I have been led by the Holy Spirit to believe that for each person there is only one path. The path that God would like them on. So for many of you who know me, this next part will sound really weird.

That some people who go to doctrinal organizations, (churches) are supposed to be there. Because the nature that God gave them is nurtured best in a stable non-changing environment. That those who are following blindly the leaders in front of them, are also following God to the best of their ability. That is all God asks.

It does not matter how people get the message of salvation, only that they get it. If it is the message of repentence, confession, faith in God, belief in Jesus grace, and obedience, you have it. It is how you live it afterwards, is what matters.

Living it is under two commandments. 1. Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength. 2. Love your neighbor as yourself. Also, doing these things, with a heart of a servant. One that is happy to fulfill the master's wishes as best they can.

No matter where these people happen to choose to worship, pray, go to church, not go to church, etc.. etc.. If these things are evident,then they are Gods children too.

He Was A Good Shit

I don't know any higher words of praise that exist. Considering 45 years ago, that person would not have even had the opportunity of knowing my father had he lived in this town. When my father was 22, he was a strict, let me rephrase that, STIRCT!!!!! baptist. He would not play cards, allow my sisters to wear pants, play secular music, dance, go into a bar, go anyplace that served alcohol, associate with hippies, (they are all homosexual drug addicts) talk to people with tattoos, piercings (ears included, that is for whores) etc....

Yet, throughout the years, listening to the Holy Spirit, my father has done most of those things that he said he would never do as a good christian. The person that told me that my father was a good shit, was Susie, the bar owner's Mom. Even though my father passed on, life goes on. Plus I needed a drink and it was New Years Eve. When Susie ask about us, we told them why we were there, and then she paid him that compliment. Back in the day, my father would have never set foot in a bar, so he never would have met Susie. Or found people that needed to hear what he had to say. He would have kept trying to get them to go to the REVIVAL meeting, to get saved. But he learned to love everyone. He danced with my sister in law at her wedding. Every child there, gawked at that. And smiled at that. We remember the old attitudes.

The reason that this particular compliment is so powerful to me, is that, my father followed the Holy Spirit no matter what. Even when it went against his church taught beliefs. Even when people thought him strange, which was often. It lead him from the paths of strict behavioral patterns that some doctrines require, to the place where everyone was accepted and loved. No matter what. Not lip service, but actual love. He became a servant, not a leader, but a follower, a follower of the Holy Spirit. And in following the Holy Spirit, he became a leader of men.

He was the perfect example to have for a father, husband, and spiritual leader. He practiced what he preached. If he didn't believe it, he didn't teach it, and he would not act on it. When he made mistakes he told people of them, and ask for forgiveness. He became angry, fought with my mother, yelled at his kids, and worried about money. But he showed us how to do those things correctly. When he became angry, he never lost control, and always made a good character point. When he fought with my mother, he never became personal, stuck to the issue, and backed down, even if he thought he was right, if he could see it was really important to my mother. Yelling at us kids, well, we needed yelling at, and spanked too. But always for a reason, and we knew why, and we always deserved it. When he worried about money, he also prayed about money, and showed us God's providence again and again.

He is the man I respect and admire the most. He is the only truly righteous man I have ever known. He was a husband that taught me how to be a good husband. The father that taught me to be a good father. The man, that taught me to be a man. I love him, and will miss him, until I see him again.

My Father Died Today

Today about 11:00 AM CST my father had a massive heart attack and died. My mother and he were talking about what to have for lunch. He went into the laundry room to put some clothes in, and my mother heard him fall hard. His head made a hole in the drywall. He was dead before he hit the floor.

Please pray for my mother, she was married to my father for 46 years. He was her life, and I do not know how she will deal with this. She dealt well with his stroke 8 years ago. But this is different, this is loss, this is saying good bye, forever. Pray that my mother can have a clear enough mind to determine what she would like to do from here on.

Also pray for my whole family. They were together for Christmas as always. This time, I could not make it. I had to work. I did not get to see him, or say good bye to him. That will always be a huge regret for me. Not fighting harder to go and see him. At least my last words to him are always, "I love you."

4 Things/#3 I Am Good Enough

This one will not be long. But many people believe that God wants them to be something other than what they are. They are told that they have evil natures, that they must conform into the image of Jesus, that we are unworthy of grace, that when we sin, we are so ugly to God that he can not look at us, etc...etc...etc..

If God wanted you to be something other than what you are, he would have made you what he wanted. Oh, wait, He already did.

God does not screw up. God did not make a defective you. God made you as you are supposed to be. So, quit listening to people who tell you, that you are not good enough just the way you are. God wants you to be just who you are. He made you with certain talents. If you try to be someone else, then you won't be what he wants you to be. So, wear what you want to wear. Talk like you like to talk. Eat what you like to eat. Hang out where you like to hang out. Just be you. That is all God wants.