For My Baby
For fifteen years, we have been married. We have been through great times and hard times. But through all of it, there was one thing that kept me going, it was you.
I cannot tell you through words how much you mean to me, I try to express it through actions, even those fail me sometimes. The depths of my love are so deep I do not even know where they stop. I remember when I first knew you had trapped me. There was no way to get away. There was no anger or frustration, just happiness. Then upon coming back home, it took me weeks to get up the nerve, and then finally, lamely, asked you to marry me. From that day on, my life has become as rich as any person’s can be.
The spirit that you have for love amazes me. It is what I love best in you. The way you struggled through the pregnancy and birth of our daughter. The way you deal every day with dialysis, and still make sure we are all cared for. The way you have dealt with all of the sickness and trouble you have had, with such grace. So much grace that you inspire those around you that hear the story. You are so intelligent, kind, giving, caring, loving, and wonderful to all of those around you that you love. You love many. You take care of many. Your thoughtfulness amazes people. Such as the lady that does your appointments at Dr. Knowlton’s office. She was flabbergasted that you remembered that she loved Smokey Bones Broccoli. Even MORE flabbergasted that you bought it for her. That is the loving, sharing, caring, wonderful person that I love. Everything for everyone else.
There are a few regrets about our life together, and they are all mine. I feel sometimes that I fail you by being unable to deal with situations at work that really I should just gut through. That my decisions have brought us to bankruptcy. That my decisions have erased our retirement savings. That my decisions have left us a ton of debt. That my decisions have not allowed us to be the best family we could be. My decisions have put us in a situation that your Fifteenth Anniversary wish could not be granted. For that, I am truly sorry. For you have talked of it for years. But I have tried my best. We still have a great home. (Made that way by a wonderful mother and wife.) Really, we have two great kids. We are still together and ridiculously happy with one another. In short, other than your health issues, I don’t know that I would change a thing. The hardships have made us value one another more so than any other couple I know. Have made us love one another more than any other couple that I know. So I have been blessed.
I know this letter is not what you deserve, you deserve so much. You have earned it through pain and effort. For all that you do, you are the person that I admire most in the world, Love best, and am wonderfully proud of. Thank you for tolerating this unworthy man. I only try to live every day to be worthy of your love.
Your devoted loving husband,
October 10, 2007
September 26, 2007
Comfortable In My Heterosexuality
One of the things research has proven over time, is "Thou dost protest too much." According to researchers, those that are the loudest dissenters of homosexuality, are those that have the strongest homosexual tendencies. Because they are fighting so hard against falling prey to it in their own lives, they believe that everyone must be like them and need encouragement to stay out of that lifestyle. Something to think about the next time you here scathing remarks against homosexuality coming from the pulpit.
This got me to thinking about the acceptance in our churches. The reason Gay people like me and get along with me so well, is I am so comfortable with my own heterosexuality, that their choice of sexual orientation does not bother me in the least. I treat them just like everyone else, period. I actually had a good gay friend of mine the other day say, "if you were gay, I would be all over you." I just laughed and gave him a hug. Why can he say this to me, and I react like that. Because we both know, I am not gay, and he will never have a chance with me, but we are still good friends.
That got me to thinking about why churches often times rail against certain things. Because that is what they are most susceptible to.For me, I used to be on an Eight Ball pool league. We would play in a different bar every Monday. The biker bar, I must say, was by far the funnest. They have the best dirty jokes in the world. They were our favorite team to play, and we were their favorite team to play. Why, because we just treated them like everyone else. In those situations, I could go in, and come out with my faith intact at all times. Why, because I am comfortable in my Faith. I know I am saved, there is no chance that I am not. So I can go where others would not go, for fear of falling. Because I am comfortable with my faith.
This got me to thinking about the acceptance in our churches. The reason Gay people like me and get along with me so well, is I am so comfortable with my own heterosexuality, that their choice of sexual orientation does not bother me in the least. I treat them just like everyone else, period. I actually had a good gay friend of mine the other day say, "if you were gay, I would be all over you." I just laughed and gave him a hug. Why can he say this to me, and I react like that. Because we both know, I am not gay, and he will never have a chance with me, but we are still good friends.
That got me to thinking about why churches often times rail against certain things. Because that is what they are most susceptible to.For me, I used to be on an Eight Ball pool league. We would play in a different bar every Monday. The biker bar, I must say, was by far the funnest. They have the best dirty jokes in the world. They were our favorite team to play, and we were their favorite team to play. Why, because we just treated them like everyone else. In those situations, I could go in, and come out with my faith intact at all times. Why, because I am comfortable in my Faith. I know I am saved, there is no chance that I am not. So I can go where others would not go, for fear of falling. Because I am comfortable with my faith.
September 25, 2007
Every Day God
One of the ways that my beliefs differ from others, is that for me, the bible is not the beginning and the end of my instruction from God. I like to call him my every day God. Because he does not just talk to me on Sunday. His speaking to me does not come from 2000 years ago, but daily. His compulsions that guide my life come all the time. To me he is not the dead God who wrote the bible, and awakens on Sunday. He is with me everyday, every hour, every minute. Seeing everything that I do. I am naked before him in all ways. And I know it.
He is not a distant God. He is not a vengeful God. He is a God that guides me through life, by putting me in situations that I hate, so that I learn what I need to learn to get better. Yes, I so believe there are better methods than just throwing me in the pool, saying, "If he wants to live, he will learn to swim." OK, that is not what happens, but sometimes it feels like it. But in all things he loves me. I know it, because I have seen the miracles that he has performed in my life. I am lucky, I have PROOF he exists. Bank records even. So to me he isn't believing in things unseen. I have seen his handiwork, so it makes it easier for me to wholeheartedly believe, without even the smallest shred of doubt about his existence.
Also he is my best friend and confidant. I talk to him everyday, many times a day. Many people ask me why I am always in such a good mood at work. I had to think about it, a lot. Then finally decided, because God has made me secure in my future. That has set me free now. No more worries mate.
He is not a distant God. He is not a vengeful God. He is a God that guides me through life, by putting me in situations that I hate, so that I learn what I need to learn to get better. Yes, I so believe there are better methods than just throwing me in the pool, saying, "If he wants to live, he will learn to swim." OK, that is not what happens, but sometimes it feels like it. But in all things he loves me. I know it, because I have seen the miracles that he has performed in my life. I am lucky, I have PROOF he exists. Bank records even. So to me he isn't believing in things unseen. I have seen his handiwork, so it makes it easier for me to wholeheartedly believe, without even the smallest shred of doubt about his existence.
Also he is my best friend and confidant. I talk to him everyday, many times a day. Many people ask me why I am always in such a good mood at work. I had to think about it, a lot. Then finally decided, because God has made me secure in my future. That has set me free now. No more worries mate.
September 19, 2007
Why Don't We Act Like It
Something happened that really distubed me today. A fundamentalist site that blasted all kinds of people from all parts of christianity went down recently, and will not be restarted. Recently, I put in a post at What Would Jesus Do, about how I believe we should act towards others. When going through the comments of the farewell of the person whose site went down. Some amazing things hit me. One of the comments was, "the nasty and vicious comments made to me from people who follow God." (paraphrased) The people that she was blasting would be grouped into the emerging church umbrella. That would be me. We like to talk of the fact that we were abused out of the church. The rediculous treatment received at the church, and the first chance we get, we do the same things that we were siting as reasons for not going to those churches again. We say that we did not receive the love that Jesus speaks of in the Gospels, yet, do we show it? Do we live it? It made me sad.
The next was reading the comments. They were joyous at the demise of another. Still balsting away. Again, what would Jesus do?
Then the most disturbing of all, was the farewell letter in its entirety. This person had a GREAT passion for God. They were driven by that passion to action. However much I disagreed with the sentements of the site, I should have recognized the love of God this person had. How could I have been blind to that. Seething in my own righteous indignation over the attack I saw on my people, blinded me to the passion that the other has for God. Then convicted by my own words from the post It's My Path. How could I have judged that person as I did?
I did not look for the good. I saw my own hurt from the words. I saw haw angry it made me. I, I, I, I.....
Selfishly I looked at the situation, and put it in my box, labeled it how I wanted to, and put the box away.
I have to say, that God has convicted me horribly today. I talk about how I should not be judged, and people should respect me and my beliefs. Why do I not give the same courtesy?
The next was reading the comments. They were joyous at the demise of another. Still balsting away. Again, what would Jesus do?
Then the most disturbing of all, was the farewell letter in its entirety. This person had a GREAT passion for God. They were driven by that passion to action. However much I disagreed with the sentements of the site, I should have recognized the love of God this person had. How could I have been blind to that. Seething in my own righteous indignation over the attack I saw on my people, blinded me to the passion that the other has for God. Then convicted by my own words from the post It's My Path. How could I have judged that person as I did?
I did not look for the good. I saw my own hurt from the words. I saw haw angry it made me. I, I, I, I.....
Selfishly I looked at the situation, and put it in my box, labeled it how I wanted to, and put the box away.
I have to say, that God has convicted me horribly today. I talk about how I should not be judged, and people should respect me and my beliefs. Why do I not give the same courtesy?
September 15, 2007
Learned From Lesbians!!!
I had an astonishing revelation today. An amazing breakthrough. I figured out where I learned how to be open, caring, loving, supportive, and treat people as a true follower of God should. I learned it from Lesbians.
OK, maybe a little background is in order. I grew up in church. Became that little judgemental asshole that most people in church become. Then, when a senior in high school, I got a crush on a girl. She was a partier, and I was not. Being almost desperate to see her, I knew she was going to a party, and where it was. Many were very surprised to see me there, but after a while, and a couple of drinks, no one cared any more. I had more fun than at any time in my life up to that point. She, never showed, but I had a gotten new mistress, partying.
When I started partying, it was for the sake of partying. I would hang out with the "cool" kids until their curfew at 11PM or so, then hang out with the losers until their curfew of 2AM or so, then hang out with the people from work until 5AM or so. After high school, people and parties everywhere. When I hit 21, I went to any bar anywhere, I did not care. Bikers are the best people to party with in my opinion, they go after life with abandon, and know a lot of jokes.
Also I went to work. Those were my two main things. When my daughter was born the partying kind of died down, and the responsibility took over. With Domino's Pizza, I worked in the inner city a lot. Met people from tons of different backgrounds, and called many unique people friends. These people included lesbians, gays, bikers, druggies, drunks, perverts, Muslims, gang members, homeless people, thieves, poor, black, white, Asian, Indian, native American, prostitutes, transvestites, cross dressers, OK you get the picture. You meet a LOT of interesting people working in the inner city of a major metropolitan city.
From all of this exposure to people though, I learned how to treat people. I learned how to judge by the content of their character, not the package on the outside. From them, that had so little, I learned the true meaning of charity, when they were willing to help with the very little that they had. I found a nobility of spirit in the strangest places. This has defined the way people should be treated for me. It is the most Christ like way of all. With open arms and love.
Strange that the best teachers of such a philosophy were not found in a church.
OK, maybe a little background is in order. I grew up in church. Became that little judgemental asshole that most people in church become. Then, when a senior in high school, I got a crush on a girl. She was a partier, and I was not. Being almost desperate to see her, I knew she was going to a party, and where it was. Many were very surprised to see me there, but after a while, and a couple of drinks, no one cared any more. I had more fun than at any time in my life up to that point. She, never showed, but I had a gotten new mistress, partying.
When I started partying, it was for the sake of partying. I would hang out with the "cool" kids until their curfew at 11PM or so, then hang out with the losers until their curfew of 2AM or so, then hang out with the people from work until 5AM or so. After high school, people and parties everywhere. When I hit 21, I went to any bar anywhere, I did not care. Bikers are the best people to party with in my opinion, they go after life with abandon, and know a lot of jokes.
Also I went to work. Those were my two main things. When my daughter was born the partying kind of died down, and the responsibility took over. With Domino's Pizza, I worked in the inner city a lot. Met people from tons of different backgrounds, and called many unique people friends. These people included lesbians, gays, bikers, druggies, drunks, perverts, Muslims, gang members, homeless people, thieves, poor, black, white, Asian, Indian, native American, prostitutes, transvestites, cross dressers, OK you get the picture. You meet a LOT of interesting people working in the inner city of a major metropolitan city.
From all of this exposure to people though, I learned how to treat people. I learned how to judge by the content of their character, not the package on the outside. From them, that had so little, I learned the true meaning of charity, when they were willing to help with the very little that they had. I found a nobility of spirit in the strangest places. This has defined the way people should be treated for me. It is the most Christ like way of all. With open arms and love.
Strange that the best teachers of such a philosophy were not found in a church.
September 4, 2007
What WOULD Jesus Do?
Earlier this year, my CLB (church left behind) sent out a advertisement to all of the members for a Sermon that the pastor was giving on homosexuality. When I received it, I thought, "It will be just another scathing attack on those poor people", and ignored it. But since I am still on the mailing list, and they have a monthly news letter, I got it anyway. They printed it in the newsletter. What it said, almost floored me. It said that they are the way they are, and we do not have to like the behavior, but we should love the person. That has prompted me to think about talking with the pastor again. He really is totally committed to God, and what God wants. To the point of going against the popular tenants of his denomination. Then I thought, what would I need to be persuaded to go back. Then I thought of a question.
Pastor, if a woman came to you, and told you that she cheated on her husband, what would you do?
Why choose this question, because we have a perfect example of how this should be dealt with. Jesus gave it to us. This is the abridged version of course. The pharisees brought a woman to Jesus caught in the act of adultery. They said by the law of Moses, she should be stoned, and ask Jesus to pass judgement on her. He knelt down to write in the dirt. Then stood and ask, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone." Then being convicted of their own consciences, left one by one. Then he stood, and "saw none but the woman" and ask,"Woman, where are your accusers?Hath no man condemned thee?" She said "No man, Lord." Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn thee; go and sin no more." Would your church, and pastor be that way. Would you be that way. Could we really accept a prodigal son home. One that went on his own into sex, drugs, and rock and roll, only to come home when he ran out of money. Would we with our "christian" reputation go where the sinners are. Would we be able to stand up to the establishment that has changed our faith in God, into our "God" being the faith they stand for. Would we do what our father asks, no matter the consequence to us.
The example of Jesus has left many with the question, "If Jesus is the example that we aspire to, why don't I see it ANYWHERE? Why don't I see it where it is supposed to be?" That is the troubling thing of our time. If we don't see it, how do we get it. Through the bible. Watch what Jesus DID, not what our faith is based on. Let me take you through the example above.
When the pharisees brought the woman to Jesus, he understood a few things. One, the woman obviously knew that what she did was wrong. So he did not need to tell that it was wrong, that would have been redundant. He knew that the men bringing her to him were not pure, that did not need to be said either. What he did know, was that he was not her judge yet. John 8:15, after the incident, Jesus said, "Ye judge after the flesh, I judge no man." Since he was not the judge, he sent her away without judgement. "Go, and sin no more." Did she really need the "adultery is bad lecture. The "you should be punished lecture." He just gave her the opportunity to do better, and went on his way. He knew she did not need it, and that the people who were not clean, should not judge. He taught them both something.
How many times in life do we act as the pharisees. I do it with my children all of the time. They are hiding something from me that they knew what they did was wrong. When I find out about it, I give them a lecture about how wrong it is. Then continue to bring it up for the next few hours or days. I am going to go back, and read the gospels with a new eye. Watching what Jesus did and why. Then I think I can understand him better. Then I think I will begin to know what he expects of me.
Pastor, if a woman came to you, and told you that she cheated on her husband, what would you do?
Why choose this question, because we have a perfect example of how this should be dealt with. Jesus gave it to us. This is the abridged version of course. The pharisees brought a woman to Jesus caught in the act of adultery. They said by the law of Moses, she should be stoned, and ask Jesus to pass judgement on her. He knelt down to write in the dirt. Then stood and ask, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone." Then being convicted of their own consciences, left one by one. Then he stood, and "saw none but the woman" and ask,"Woman, where are your accusers?Hath no man condemned thee?" She said "No man, Lord." Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn thee; go and sin no more." Would your church, and pastor be that way. Would you be that way. Could we really accept a prodigal son home. One that went on his own into sex, drugs, and rock and roll, only to come home when he ran out of money. Would we with our "christian" reputation go where the sinners are. Would we be able to stand up to the establishment that has changed our faith in God, into our "God" being the faith they stand for. Would we do what our father asks, no matter the consequence to us.
The example of Jesus has left many with the question, "If Jesus is the example that we aspire to, why don't I see it ANYWHERE? Why don't I see it where it is supposed to be?" That is the troubling thing of our time. If we don't see it, how do we get it. Through the bible. Watch what Jesus DID, not what our faith is based on. Let me take you through the example above.
When the pharisees brought the woman to Jesus, he understood a few things. One, the woman obviously knew that what she did was wrong. So he did not need to tell that it was wrong, that would have been redundant. He knew that the men bringing her to him were not pure, that did not need to be said either. What he did know, was that he was not her judge yet. John 8:15, after the incident, Jesus said, "Ye judge after the flesh, I judge no man." Since he was not the judge, he sent her away without judgement. "Go, and sin no more." Did she really need the "adultery is bad lecture. The "you should be punished lecture." He just gave her the opportunity to do better, and went on his way. He knew she did not need it, and that the people who were not clean, should not judge. He taught them both something.
How many times in life do we act as the pharisees. I do it with my children all of the time. They are hiding something from me that they knew what they did was wrong. When I find out about it, I give them a lecture about how wrong it is. Then continue to bring it up for the next few hours or days. I am going to go back, and read the gospels with a new eye. Watching what Jesus did and why. Then I think I can understand him better. Then I think I will begin to know what he expects of me.
August 29, 2007
It's My Path
When we first come to understand God's love, and the salvation contained in it, we are like babies in the knowledge that we have. So with a burning desire, we jump in with both feet and try to learn what we can by reading the bible and going to church. Why do we go to church? Because that is what is expected of us christians right? We go to church and start learning what they teach us. But we find that what we read in the bible, and what we are taught, are often two different things. Being human, we want nice, straight, easy definable answers, bullet pointed in chronological order. When we don't find that, we begin to despair, "What is wrong with me, I don't get it." So we try harder, find more inconsistencies, really feel as if we will never understand. The other people in my church are into what the pastor is saying, they get it, maybe I should be more like them. So we jump into teaching Sunday school, go along with the outreach program, sing in the choir, attend Wednesday night gatherings, and sometimes home bible studies. On the outside, we are seen as a rising young christian star, someone who has come in and jumped right into the ministry, pushing God's message to the world. On the inside, we are still going, "Why don't I feel right about this?"
That was me, almost 25 years ago. Oh man, am I really that old. Anyway, I ended up walking away from church, not from God, but church, for 12 years. I went sporadically until 2002. Then I started going regularly. I am not a very good church member. My wife wanted to join the church. I said, this is a direct quote, "Why? What are the benefits, do we get a secret decoder ring or something?" Always the cynic. Then after going for 2 years, I was just done. There was nothing there for me anymore. I had learned all that I could from them, and still wanted, no, NEEDED more, SOMETHING ELSE. When I left, I knew that I had to continue my education. I had read the bible a couple of times, and did not feel lead to go that way again. So I dipped into my birthright, or inheritance from my Grandfather, Fred Kenison. God had lead him to study the bible for 50+ years now, and to write a number of those studies up. They are slowly being turned into books, as the editor has time to edit them. these studies are unique, why? Because they do not prove anything. They do not come to a doctrinal conclusion. They do not prove the rightness of chatholicism, calvinism, lutheranism, etc... etc... They just translate the bible, back into it's essence, and tells what it says. It more disproves things than proves them. This is where I started my REAL biblical education.
Do I agree with everything my grandfather says, no. Will you, you should not. With all of the learning I have done, and during all of that learning, I have come to discover something, that at the time was perplexing, but now, is truly amazing in it's scope and breadth. This is what I have found. That each of us goes through our journey on the path with God, in God's own time. We do not control it. How did I find this out? By seeing people with troubles, knowing the answer that they needed. Shared the answer with them, and they refused it. They were good people, really trying their best to follow God, had the answer right there laid bare in front of them, and they COULD NOT see it. It reminds me of the disciples that saw many works and wonders at Jesus feet, and yet their hearts were hardened so that they would not accept it. (Mark somewhere) How could they not? They themselves cast out demons. They themselves healed the sick, and yet they did not believe. Not truly. How can that be? God made it so. God knew that the timing of the revelation, was as important as the revelation itself. The disciples were to have their revelation on the day of Pentecost, and not before. This is my theory. But to have the revelation before, and have thirteen people preaching the word of God, would have taken away from Jesus and his work. He would no longer have been the only focal point of the revolution taking place. He might not have been killed in the way he was. It would have screwed everything up. So, he had the disciples store up all of the wonders and things they had seen, to be used at the right time to make God' Kingdom grow to the fullest extent. God's plan worked. The movement started that day, has survived 2,000 years, and is growing. What has this to do with us today?
Simple. It means that we cannot judge another by what they do and do not see within the bible. We are each in our separate place along the straight and narrow path. God knows where we are, and will not allow us to take the next step until it is time. Often times, we sit at crossroads, looking at the other possibilities of life. When we have gone through what we need to go through, God allows the revelation to come, along with his blessings. This is repeated again and again. Trials and tribulations, blessings and understanding. It also means that no one doctrine, or set of beliefs is right, ever. Because God will not allow it. No one will reach the enlightenment of the next level without proper preparation. So which religion is right, none of them. Not even mine. Because their is so much more to learn, and I will not be allowed to learn it, until God deems, the time is right.
That was me, almost 25 years ago. Oh man, am I really that old. Anyway, I ended up walking away from church, not from God, but church, for 12 years. I went sporadically until 2002. Then I started going regularly. I am not a very good church member. My wife wanted to join the church. I said, this is a direct quote, "Why? What are the benefits, do we get a secret decoder ring or something?" Always the cynic. Then after going for 2 years, I was just done. There was nothing there for me anymore. I had learned all that I could from them, and still wanted, no, NEEDED more, SOMETHING ELSE. When I left, I knew that I had to continue my education. I had read the bible a couple of times, and did not feel lead to go that way again. So I dipped into my birthright, or inheritance from my Grandfather, Fred Kenison. God had lead him to study the bible for 50+ years now, and to write a number of those studies up. They are slowly being turned into books, as the editor has time to edit them. these studies are unique, why? Because they do not prove anything. They do not come to a doctrinal conclusion. They do not prove the rightness of chatholicism, calvinism, lutheranism, etc... etc... They just translate the bible, back into it's essence, and tells what it says. It more disproves things than proves them. This is where I started my REAL biblical education.
Do I agree with everything my grandfather says, no. Will you, you should not. With all of the learning I have done, and during all of that learning, I have come to discover something, that at the time was perplexing, but now, is truly amazing in it's scope and breadth. This is what I have found. That each of us goes through our journey on the path with God, in God's own time. We do not control it. How did I find this out? By seeing people with troubles, knowing the answer that they needed. Shared the answer with them, and they refused it. They were good people, really trying their best to follow God, had the answer right there laid bare in front of them, and they COULD NOT see it. It reminds me of the disciples that saw many works and wonders at Jesus feet, and yet their hearts were hardened so that they would not accept it. (Mark somewhere) How could they not? They themselves cast out demons. They themselves healed the sick, and yet they did not believe. Not truly. How can that be? God made it so. God knew that the timing of the revelation, was as important as the revelation itself. The disciples were to have their revelation on the day of Pentecost, and not before. This is my theory. But to have the revelation before, and have thirteen people preaching the word of God, would have taken away from Jesus and his work. He would no longer have been the only focal point of the revolution taking place. He might not have been killed in the way he was. It would have screwed everything up. So, he had the disciples store up all of the wonders and things they had seen, to be used at the right time to make God' Kingdom grow to the fullest extent. God's plan worked. The movement started that day, has survived 2,000 years, and is growing. What has this to do with us today?
Simple. It means that we cannot judge another by what they do and do not see within the bible. We are each in our separate place along the straight and narrow path. God knows where we are, and will not allow us to take the next step until it is time. Often times, we sit at crossroads, looking at the other possibilities of life. When we have gone through what we need to go through, God allows the revelation to come, along with his blessings. This is repeated again and again. Trials and tribulations, blessings and understanding. It also means that no one doctrine, or set of beliefs is right, ever. Because God will not allow it. No one will reach the enlightenment of the next level without proper preparation. So which religion is right, none of them. Not even mine. Because their is so much more to learn, and I will not be allowed to learn it, until God deems, the time is right.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)